In simple, clear language laced with touching examples and heart-warming humour, Sr Esme, who has guided younger religious in their vocational discernment, explains what “vocation” means, how to discern one’s religious or priestly call, what amounts to right and wrong motives, the dangers inherent in “vocation promotion,” and the nature of marriage as a holy vocation.
Before it’s too late!
I was on a train, and as usual it was rather crowded. I must have been in my early thirties then. A young man got in and sat right in front of me. I could see he was trying to draw my attention. I tried to avoid his gaze. But for how long could I just dodge the situation? I finally looked up. He was a pleasant, well-dressed man. He smiled and introduced himself as an ex-student of one of our leading Catholic schools in Lucknow. I still remember that conversation. ‘When I see someone in this garb (he was referring to my Religious habit), I feel urged to talk.’ He wanted to know about our way of life. Inevitably the question came out: ‘How many children do you have?’ I told him we do not marry. He was surprised. ‘But then how will people remember you?’
He was an educated gentleman, and so I began to ask him whether people remembered Mahatma Gandhi for the number of children he had, or Shakespeare, or Albert Einstein or Abraham Lincoln. I thought I had convinced him. Then we went on to talk about other things. When I reached my destination, he helped me down with my luggage. He was going further. But he stood there on the platform with me. I told him to get in as the train would not stop long. He lingered on, and looking at me intently he said: ‘Remember what I said, before it is too late!’ He just could not understand our consecrated chastity.
At one time I was a research student, the University being just a few minutes’ walk from our place. We did not have regular classes but went to the University for our laboratory work whenever we needed to. I sometimes met a Professor on the campus, and he would talk to me until the lab assistant came to open the doors for me. As we became more acquainted, he asked me what I am doing and what my plans were for the future. I told him I was teaching, and as for the future, I had no specific plans. We have dedicated our lives for service and can be assigned to any work, anywhere. We got to talking about Christianity, and then Religious life. He asked what that meant, and I told him about prayer, our timetable, our community, my teaching, my school … At another time he asked me about my salary … and I told him about our vows, that our resources are pooled and we give an account of the money we spend. He could not understand our vow of poverty. That we have a vow of obedience completely bowled him off. I did not get an occasion to speak about the vow of chastity!
Okay, we can expect these reactions from people of other faiths. Our way of life is a mystery to them. But let us come closer home. A Sister who joined our congregation after me, was a classmate of my younger sister. A few years after school, she decided to join the Convent. My sister met her. I was already in the Convent by then. ‘What, are you going to join the Convent? Are you mad?’ she blurted out. Nancy looked at her perplexed. ‘But your sister too has joined the Convent!’ ‘Yes’, my sister retorted. ‘She too is mad!’ That’s about as much some of our own people understand our choices.
I Have Called You
I said, ‘our choices.’ But that is not the full truth. Jesus said: You have not chosen Me. I chose you. That holds good for a Religious Call. But it is equally true for other walks of life too. A common saying is ‘Marriages are made in heaven.’ Somehow in the divine tapestry, God has so fashioned us and so equipped us that He calls each one of us to play a specific role in the drama of life. We are all called to that one goal–holiness of life—that will lead us to union with Him in eternity. Yet He leads us along different paths, to fulfill specific roles, in pursuit of that one goal.
God never repeats Himself. Each one of us is different. No two humans (nor animals, birds, fish and flowers…for that matter) are exactly the same. Every person has a role to fill which only he/she can fulfill. When we ignore or are unfaithful to our call, something in that divine tapestry remains incomplete. No one can fully substitute another!
That is the trust that God places in each of us, His children. He calls us to a specific mission! God did not make junk!
Various Vocations
One may ask: How do I know what I am called to? Well, we need not go to astrologers or fortune-tellers to get a quick answer. The answer is buried deep within ourselves. To use our computer jargon, we are made by default—we are pre-conditioned, pre-pared for our mission in life. So life itself pre-disposes us to a choice of a state in life—consecrated, married or single!
Somehow, as we grow, we begin to feel the pull from within ourselves towards one or another state of life. For a call to the married life, attractions that we might term ‘natural’ draw two persons together. Somehow they feel they are made for each other. The heart has a language of its own! A couple begins to appreciate the other as each discovers the qualities of the other. They feel comfortable and at ease in each other’s company. A time comes when they feel prepared to strike it together, to decide to journey through life as married partners.
Where do our so-called ‘arranged marriages’ fit in? People speak of a ‘good’ match, a ‘good’ boy, or a ‘good’ girl! What does that ‘good’ mean? No alcohol, no smoking, a fat salary, ‘good’ social status, ‘good’ family background….? Give them a chance to also find out if their personalities are compatible, to look intently at one another to ‘see’ whether they can face life together, as man and wife. Therefore, no vocation should be forced upon anyone. The choice should be in consonance with one’s heart.
I have heard it said that no one is ‘called’ to be a single. And they quote the Bible: It is not good for man to be alone. (Women too?) I would question that. In God’s divine plan there may be a mission that would require the freedom and single-minded dedication of a lay unmarried person. Take for example a bed-ridden parent. My mother was eighteen years old, the youngest daughter in her family, when her mother got paralyzed. She decided to stay at home and not to marry, in order to take care of her. Her mother lived on for another twelve years. My mother married only after that—at the age of 30. Some others have remained single and have taken care of the rest of the family all their life. I know of a Religious Sister who felt so drawn to social service that she ultimately decided to step out of the Convent and attach herself to a hospice for the disabled. She was assigned to take care of a man who had had an accident and was paralyzed from the neck downward. She dedicated the rest of her life to care for him, even after he was discharged from the hospice. Eventually—she was in her mid-fifties by then—they decided to get married, sharing their hurts, their hopes and their dreams. Her dedication and care were something extraordinary.
But these are rare cases.
Vocational Discernment
In the case of a call to the Religious or Priestly life, it would be wise to seek guidance from a spiritually-oriented person.
- Why is the candidate seeking to embrace a Life of Consecration? Has he/she had a strong experience of the Lord, as a result of which he/she wants to take this step?? What is he/she searching for? – a closer following of the Lord, a deeper prayer life, a life of dedication to those in need? What particular type of service does he/she feel drawn to offer? Right Intentions are essential.
- Motivations are very important because they are the engine which gives the necessary energy and direction to what one does or wants to do. If these motivations are weak, one can easily be swayed or may even give up when faced with difficulty. For example: in moments of hardship, peer group pressure, criticism, failure, difficult situations in the ministry, inter-personal frictions, …
If one enters with wrong motivations, one may seek for things that are not in keeping with the essence of a life of consecration: for example, comfort, security, promotions, competition and rivalry, opportunities for study, higher social status, etc.
- Does the candidate have the necessary requisites to embrace the Priestly or Religious Life? The minimum educational qualification required, the age of the person, sufficient physical health and maturity, a basic Christian formation, emotional balance, ability for team work and to live in a community, aptitudes for the ministries specific to the Priesthood or to the Congregation he/she hopes to join…
- One’s family situation should also be taken into consideration. Children from broken families, those brought up in extreme poverty, those exposed to or victims of domestic violence and abuse may have first to be helped psychologically before they can venture into a way of life that is essentially one of service and self-giving.
Whether the candidate is required at home to take care of the family, or is the only earning member on which the family depends, would also have to be considered.
- Did the candidate enter into another Congregation or Seminary before? If so, why did he/she leave?
Finally, does one feel at peace deep within when one thinks of the choice about to be made? Does one feel an inner assurance that this is the right choice? A certain sense of satisfaction, a good feeling that this is what I want, what I am made for, what I am called for?
Who, What, Why, How, Where … and finally, When should I go?
These are some of the points on which the Director will have to assess the candidate. Some or even many of the young people contemplating a Priestly or Religious Life may come in with mixed motivations. They must be helped to sort out these motivations: which ones are genuine, which ones need to be purified, which ones are not compatible with a genuine life of unconditional commitment to God.
Sometimes the candidates may not even be aware of some of their lesser motivations. These may surface only later in life. Here formation plays a vital role. If the candidate has some strong motivations, he/she will easily laugh at and let go of the lesser motivations he/she discovers that may have initially led him/her.
Here are some of the ‘charming’ examples I came across when I was with younger Religious:
- One was attracted by the Religious Habit, especially the starched collar!
- Another joined one Congregation rather than some others, because their Sisters wore socks and shoes!
- Another joined because two of her school friends were also joining.
- Some came because they saw the Sisters eating with a fork and a spoon.
Wrong Motives
Other motivations are weightier and need to be rectified:
- Someone was enticed by her aunt who was a Religious in the same Congregation.
- One confessed that she wanted a more peaceful and retired life, after all the tension she had at home. To live happily ever after… as in the fairy tales. She never dreamed that Priests and Religious too might have their disagreements sometimes!
- Someone thought that she could lead a chaste life only by becoming a Religious.
- Another wanted to join the Convent out of sheer disappointment, because her boy-friend had left her.
- Some wanted an opportunity for higher studies or a special technical training that their family could not afford to give them. Some of them even joined already with the intention to leave after that training period.
- Some heard that in Religious Life, there is a fair chance to go abroad.
- Some sought to raise their social status. They would become important, earn degrees, hold a responsible post, and people would look up to them.
- Some came with the hope of prestigious positions of power, authority and honour.
- Some were encouraged to become Religious as their parents could not afford to give them a dowry, if they married.
Then sometimes, it is the parents who have the vocation! Family aspirations or ambitions may include having a priest or religious in the family!
- “At least one of my sons must become a priest!”
- “When you were nearly dying I promised to give you to God if you got well. Now you must.”
- “I have so many daughters; at least one or two should become nuns, or else I will not be able to marry off any of them!”
It seems that both parents of St Teresa of Lisieux had once wanted to enter Religious Life. That did not happen, but five of their daughters became nuns!
Some years after I had joined the Convent and my brother had earned his Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering, my father, retired by then, said with great satisfaction: You did what I wanted to do but didn’t; he did what I wanted to do but couldn’t. He felt his deeper aspirations fulfilled in his children. He had wanted to be a Jesuit, but the concept of obedience daunted him.
Vocation Promotion
I had not even heard of such a thing when I joined, which was some fifty odd years ago. Now it seems crucial to the very survival of our Institutes. They say we need to advertise! … Jesus too, they argue, went about collecting disciples. But how different were His tactics!
If anyone wants to follow Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me.
The foxes have holes, the birds their nests… but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay down His head!
Leave all you have … and then come and follow Me.
He who puts his hands to the plough and looks back, is not worthy of Me.
He who loves father and mother more than Me is not worthy of Me.
Jesus did not mince words when He spoke of the hardships of His way of life. If they have persecuted me, they will persecute you too! But He offered them life eternal. His magnetic charisma drew crowds after Him. The disciples gradually imbibed His values. And after His death and resurrection, they went about boldly proclaiming His message to the point of embracing martyrdom for His sake!
Our ‘vocation promotion’ seems to be preoccupied with numbers. Promoters vie with one another as to who has drawn in the greater number of ‘fish.’ They may tend to water down the radicality of the call, making it ‘more appealing’ – which often means ‘less challenging.’
As a result they may gather in a basket full of jelly-fish!
Religious Life is sometimes shown as a profession—a teacher, a nurse, a social worker …
Or, as a means of self- fulfillment, self-assertion, self-interest!
A newly-professed Sister had gone for vocation promotion with a senior Sister. Talking to the young Sister I was curious about what they tell the girls and how they present Religious Life to them. I was amused when she said that they tell them that they will be sent to finish their studies, that they can do whatever they want, and since the Founder was from Europe, they might even get a chance to visit the place someday.
If that is the bait, what kind of fish can we expect to catch? Are we honest with them, or just deluding them with empty promises? If and when they do enter Religious Life, what will they be looking for? How will they react when they realize the falsehood of what they were promised? Are we genuine in our search for suitable candidates? Will we ever find ‘suitable’ candidates, or just a bunch of self-seeking, comfort- and pleasure-loving youngsters?
Why not fire them instead with the prayerfulness and union with God of our founders/foundress, their pioneering apostolic zeal, the self-sacrifice needed for our frontier missionary activities today, the courage to do and to die for Christ? … But that fire must burn in us first!
The First Steps
Most of our candidates have passed Class XII, but they usually need to be taught English, since that is the language used in our formation and in Community. Besides that, they are also grounded in Catechism. Then they are taught computer and music, art and needlework—so that they make use of their time profitably.
The curriculum changes and becomes more spiritual and religious in the Postulancy.
Something unexpected (and instructive) happened one year.
Four or five of these candidates were promoted after a year and were sent to the Postulancy. Everything seemed fine for the first few months. After a while, two of these went to meet the Provincial. Their request? “We don’t want to be Postulants, we want to continue as candidates.” When asked why, they replied with innocent frankness, “The priest who sent us here told us that we will be taught good English, and that we can go back home after that. Then he will send us for nursing.” Talk of right motivation!
The Call to Marriage
Let’s make a switch over to another Call – the Call to Married Life. For the Priesthood and the Religious Life, there is a long probation period of eight to ten years. The candidate is still in time to decide whether he/she wants to continue in the vocation or not. His/her suitability is also gauged by the seminary or congregation. He/she may be asked to discontinue if found unsuitable.
There is no such probation period in marriage. Hence the necessity for the prospective partners to get to know one another fairly well before the marriage is celebrated.
There was the case of a bridegroom who got so annoyed with his bride when she tripped over her gown while climbing the steps to the Church. She looked at him for a while, and then said decisively: If such a little mishap makes you so annoyed. I’ll not have this marriage! And she called it off.
A Support System for Married Couples
The Church insists on a pre-marriage course, at least to explain the Church’s understanding of a Christian marriage. But this often dwindles down to just a few informal talks with one’s parish priest.
Difficulties in marriage are often inter-relational, between the married partners and/or with the in-laws. In Genesis 2:24 we read: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.”
How, why and when did this get changed, so that it is the wife who has to leave her father and mother?
I feel that married people need a lot more support to make their marriage workable and pleasant. Priests and Religious can hope for transfers or a change of assignments when the going is difficult. In marriage, there are no transfers. It is for better or for worse … The marriage vows say so!
Here is a case. The parents of one of the Sisters were a wonderful couple. The man was very jovial, while his wife was sometimes a bit tense and worked up. This Sister used to relate how, when her mother was off-mood, she would stare at her husband and shake her head resignedly: “What to do man! For bad or for worse I married you!”
At a more modern wedding, the bride and groom were pronouncing their marriage vows. After that, the ceremony went on and the bride was asked to repeat after the Priest: “I will love, serve, and obey you as long as we both are alive.” Our petite bride looked up and said in the hearing of all: “No, Father, equal rights!” The groom smiled at her and added: “I agree!”
There are some statements on marriage that I love to quote.
Someone defined marriage as: Less than two and more than one. The ‘I’ and the ‘You’ are now ‘we.’ Each keeps his/her individuality, but with a lot of adaptation to the other; a lot of give and take. They are no longer just two distinct and separate individuals. At the same time, they are more than one. Neither one nor the other should dominate to the extent that the other loses his/her identity.
Jokes and Wisdom about Marriage
There are, as we know, many jokes about marriage, which, by all accounts, is a very demanding choice of life.
A woman was always nagging her husband comparing everything she had as better than his – house, furniture, fridge, car, etc. One day the man was so fed up that he retorted: “Is there nothing that I have which is better than yours?” The woman thought for a while, and then said: “Yes, your mother-in-law!”
Jokes aside now, I think some ventures like Couples for Christ, Marriage Encounter Weekends, Family Counselling Cells, etc., could be of great help to the vast majority of people who are called to the married state of life. Youngsters preparing for marriage, couples in difficulty among themselves or with their children, should be offered crash courses on psychology and inter-relationships to help them cope with the inevitable ups and downs of family life.
Maybe I am idealizing my parents, since I left home when I was only sixteen years old. But I must say that I never saw or heard them quarrelling or even arguing with each other—at least they did not do it in our presence. I was under the impression that all marriages were like that, until, as a Sister, I came across people with big marital problems. My father would return home around ten o’clock each night. By that time, we children had had our supper and were already in bed. My mother would wait and have supper with him. After that they would sit in our little balcony for a long chat. I feel it was just this daily sharing of life that kept them such a contented and united couple. The Marriage Encounter teaches what it calls the Daily 10 and 10. My parents practised this long before this movement was probably invented.
There’s the story of a couple celebrating their 25th Anniversary. That evening the husband said that he wanted to share something that he had never shared all those twenty-five years.
He said: “I hate fried fish. When I came to see you for the first time, your mother served us fried fish and said that you made it. So, I pretended to like it very much. And you have been feeding me fried fish for these past twenty-five years. No offence. I just thought I’ll tell you the truth today.”
“Is that so? I hate fried fish myself. But, because I thought you loved it, I have been making it for you these twenty-five years and pretending that I like it too.”
They hugged each other, cried and laughed. A mutual sacrifice that had bound them together as nothing else could!
And there is this other couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary of marriage. At the reception people kept congratulating the husband who was so healthy and in the pink of health, despite his age. They asked him his secret. He looked at his wife and told the audience: “With her permission I’ll tell you the secret of my health.” She nodded assent, with a laugh. He went on, “On the day of our wedding we made a promise to each other. If I picked up a quarrel, she would leave the room and go into the kitchen. If she picked up a quarrel I would put on my hat and go for a walk. … Then, with a mischievous wink at his wife, he added: And so I have lived outdoors most of the time!”
In both these stories, what is outstanding is the love, forbearance and understanding of the couples. They were willing to pay the price, to let go and let live!
Happy Journey!
Every state of life is sacred, willed by God and sanctified by Him. Every mission is divine. It is a partaking in the overall mission of building up His kingdom in this world; of creating a new heaven and a new earth. God has blessed each one of us and He fills us with His grace, abundantly. He walks with us every step of the way … that leads to Him and to our eternal abode.
With gratitude in our hearts let us walk this earth lightly, as creatures made for greater things. Let us be pleasant co-travellers with those who are called by that same Almighty Father, to tread the same path as ours. We are a blessing. Let us be a blessing to others too. Bon Voyage!
Sr Esme da Cunha FDCC
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