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“Be generous and share”—that is what my parents taught me—more by actions than words. These words have moulded my belief system in life. I have always felt drawn to the voiceless, the exploited, the suffering. My earliest childhood memories are of my parents’ compassion and care for those in need.

I am the youngest of four siblings—two brothers and two sisters. When my second brother passed into God’s arms in a car accident, my mum in her pain turned to God for consolation and attended Charismatic Prayer Meetings. I accompanied her to these meetings. I got interested in the Bible. As I read the Bible I had a deep feeling of joy, knowing that God loves me unconditionally.

I was fourteen years old when I felt like becoming a religious sister—without knowing what it meant. When I told my parish priest about this feeling, he told me: You are too young now; make this decision after you are twenty-one years old. I was actually relieved, as I was scared to leave my loving family. I used to feel sad to see the religious sisters in my school having to stay on in school while I went home everyday.

Disturbed and Unhappy

I entered the Junior College Science stream and my studies led me to question God’s existence. I argued with my mum over this. I was disturbed and unhappy. At the end of one year, I told God, “I don’t care whether you exist or not, but I shall believe you exist, coz I felt happy and loved when I believed in you; in this past year I have been unhappy.”

At nineteen, I completed my graduation in Microbiology. I got the college seat for post-graduation, but declined it. I wanted to work and earn money. I was fashion-conscious, dressed tastefully and wanted to work in a glamourous set up. I got selected as a trainee in the famous Taj Mahal Hotel. I had an enjoyable time. My world widened, as I met celebrities from within the country and around the world. I observed that the truly great people were very simple and the ones who didn’t know much were artificial and threw their weight around! All my interest in glamour was satisfied.

My dad did not approve of a hotel job as I had to work all shifts. To make him happy, I applied in State Bank of India. I got selected, and joined one of their important branches. I worked there the next four years.

As I travelled to work daily I was disturbed to see children begging on the street, eating from the dustbin. What was the government doing? And the NGOs? And where was God? My mum bought me books by Anthony D’Mello SJ. I was struck by one of the stories of a little child lying shivering on the roadside and the person in the story asked the same questions. That night in the silence of his heart he heard the words, “I made you.”

God speaking to people?

That struck me forcefully: What was I doing about it?  Why has God made me? What is the purpose of my life? I believed that if I did what God wanted of me, I would be content. I began my search for God’s purpose for my life and wanted God to tell me this. My mum bought me a book on God speaking to people. I sat up at night and read the whole book at a stretch. But I didn’t hear God speak to me. I discussed with friends, sought guidance from seniors and prayed. Opening the Bible at random, I always got the book of Jonah and I wondered why. A couple who prayed over me told me: You are called to be a religious sister. I made chits with the words “religious life”, “married life” and put them in my mum’s hands and I closed my eyes and chose one chit. It read “religious life.” But I wanted God to tell me this. I was afraid to decide, lest I choose to be a religious sister to run away from the responsibilities of a family.

I had already got two proposals and I told my parents that I needed time and didn’t want to meet anyone as I was still young. My dad in the meanwhile had bought jewellery for me. I told him it would look great on mum. A few years later, Dad came with another marriage proposal. He wanted me to meet a young man who was a well off bank manager. I requested my dad to give me just one week to decide. He agreed. I took a week’s leave to make a retreat. The retreat director  (Fr Agnelo Gracias, now bishop) listened to me  and understood me. He told me I was suited for both the religious life and the married life, but I did show a greater inclination towards religious life.

I thought: These are my thoughts that he is analyzing and not God speaking. On the third day of the retreat, the Gospel was of Jesus saying “You ask me for a miracle? No! The only miracle you will be given is the miracle of the prophet Jonah.” Even the Gospel of the day was telling me not to look for a sign or a miracle. That is when I decided to follow Jesus as a religious sister. I told Fr Agnelo I had made my decision. I told him I didn’t even know about congregations.

Only one expectation

When I visited some religious houses, I felt out of place; the candidates were just teenagers, while I was already twenty-four. I prayed to God and said: “Please show me which congregation you want me to join. Whichever congregation Fr Agnelo suggests I shall join.” After much persuasion, he suggested the Congregation of the Daughters of the Cross (Filles de la Croix or FC). I had never heard of them. So I visited their novitiate.

I felt at home. I was prepared to join. I shared this with my mum and took her to visit the novitiate. She told me: “This is the right place for you.” Dad had tears in his eyes when he heard my decision. He agreed when I told him that I had decided after much searching.  I put in my resignation at the bank. The Administrative Manager, who belonged to another religious faith, said to me, “If you were my daughter, I would not let you do this. I am not accepting your resignation. You proceed on leave and resign only once you are sure.”

Soon, the full implication of my decision hit me: quit my job, have no bank account, leave my home and familiar surroundings. I felt reassured by the words of Jesus: “Do not worry…Your Father in heaven knows what you need.” Reassured, I went ahead. I sent in my resignation from the bank. I joined the FCs. As I look back on my life, I am very happy with my decision to be a Daughter of the Cross (FC). I have had amazing faith experiences as well as disappointments. I worked in different settings—the very poor, middle class, the sick, battered women. I am fascinated by the challenging life and words of Jesus. I believe that I am created in the image and likeness of God. I am delighted to be called to be God’s compassionately loving presence in our world.

Have my expectations of religious proved true?

I had no expectations of religious life. I have only had expectations of myself: to follow Jesus radically. I never bothered about how others live their lives. I am no one to judge.


Venita Fernandes FC

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