A very common problem many people face—with practical solutions. Information and tips for all of us, especially those in charge of helping others, such as parents, teachers, formators and superiors.
Nineteen-year-old Sheila blushes easily, and hardly opens her mouth in groups. She feels embarrassed in new settings, and thinks that all the others are waiting to criticise her.
- “No, ask somebody else,” replies Ravi to any invitation to speak in public. Some of his classmates consider Ravi a nice and unassuming guy, but others feel annoyed at his reluctance to take up any initiative.
- Usha is always dressed in the latest and most fashionable type of clothes. She looks smart and confident, but few know that she is scared of being “beaten” by anyone else. Usha will feel lost without her expensive clothes and cosmetics.
All of us experience feelings of inadequacy and doubt our self-worth occasionally. This is normal. But, if my sense of inadequacy cuts me off from people, prevents me from giving my best, or makes me see others as a threat, it is high time I do something about it.
Feelings of inferiority start from the way others treat us. Most of our feelings about ourselves stem from how we were treated by significant people in our lives. The pet names, caresses, teasing, nicknames, fondling and neglect of our childhood years lead to positive or negative feelings in us.
Parents and other care-givers may easily forget that the greatest need of a child or adolescent is not a rank in class or expensive clothes, but the experience of being wanted, loved and appreciated. It is not our limitations that produce feelings of inferiority in us, but the way we feel about our limitations. and that, in its turn, depends mostly on how others (in our early years) reacted to our limitations.
REACTIONS TO INFERIORITY FEELINGS
There are basically two ways of reacting to feelings of inferiority: resignation and compensation.
Resignation is evident in the case of twenty-six-year-old Sr Janette, who works in a school office. Friends and superiors have tried to entrust more responsible jobs to her, but Janette feels convinced that she cannot do better. “I can’t, I am no good at it,” is her most spontaneous reaction.
Can people like Janette be helped? The answer is an emphatic Yes. She can be helped by others and still more by herself. What she needs is reassurance (in the form of sincere praise and encouragement), the experience of success (this is where she can help herself) and a change in perspective to see the good in herself.
Compensation
Some try to “compensate” for feelings of inadequacy. This can take place in a variety of ways, some of them helpful, others destructive.
Wilma Rudolph, the record-setting U.S. sprinter, had polio, and was left with a limp. She worked on her weak point and became a world-class champion. At the Rome Olympics (1960) she won three medals.
Motilal, a student I knew, was noted for his excellent physique and athletic
prowess. When I expressed admiration for his physique, he told me that he had been puny and weak till the age of fourteen. With regular exercise, which involved a demanding schedule of work, rest and recreation, he turned his weak body into an athletic marvel.
That is why another type of compensation is more common. It is indirect, but no less commendable than the first type.
It is seen in Air Force Cadet Prasad, who was poor in sports and outdoor activities and felt inferior to the others. But soon he discovered a field in which he could achieve brilliance; he developed a fantastic memory for names, dates and figures, and became well known for his feats of memory.
A third type of compensation is the case of Robert. He is poor in studies and feels like a nobody at school. To get even, he has become defiant at home. At least this way he is taken notice of. Not very different is the approach taken by Jason. He is sixteen and strong enough to beat up the smaller boys. He is building up a new name – as a bully. He feels scared of bigger people, frightened before examinations. But he feels powerful in front of the children he is able to subdue.
Miriam has found another escape from her sense of inferiority. She does not understand much in a discussion and feels lost. To cover up her confusion, she starts arguing and never gives in. People have realized that it is no use discussing with Miriam. She just won’t give in or look at the other side of the argument. She has to win at all costs.
Jason, Robert, and Miriam have fallen into a dangerous trap—self-deception. Their attempt at escaping from an inferiority complex is by suppressing their real feelings. None of them faces up to the real problem – the sense of inadequacy and fear they experience. The inferiority complex remains, and may even get worse.
People who are obstinate like Miriam, or bullies like Jason, or defiant like Robert are basically very insecure people. Their self-confidence is abysmally low. They are afraid of being “found out” for what they really are. It is not strength but fear that pushes them into destructive behaviour. Unless they admit the real problem and tackle it, their lives will be marked by conflicts, violence and deep loneliness. When such people hold positions of power, they tend to treat those “under” them very harshly. They fear questions. They see personal attacks where there are none. It is a torment to work under an insecure leader who compensates by being a bully. This can happen in both religious and secular settings. After all, whatever the setting, the main factor is human beings dealing with other human beings.
FROM INFERIORITY TO CONFIDENCE
Here are eight practical steps for moving from inadequacy to self-confidence.
1. Find out the causes.
There are surely causes and aggravating factors—like cruel teasing, or unfair comparisons or constant nagging. It is not enough to say: “I think I suffer from an inferiority complex.” Ask yourself: In which area do I feel inadequate or inferior (or shy or afraid)? Nobody feels inferior in every area of life, nor confident in all fields. Can I recall any particular episode or repeated experiences which triggered these feelings for the first time? Tracing the origin is half the solution.
2. Improve in your areas of weakness.
You may or may not be another Wilma Rudolph or another Motilal, but you can probably do a great deal to improve your present level of achievement – whether it be in health, studies, sports, public speaking or hobbies. And while you are at it, do not compare yourself unfavourably with others, saying, “Oh, I’m still behind so-and-so,” but rather take stock of the successes you achieve, however small they may be. Comparisons are put-downs. Success motivates people more than others’ encouragement.
3. Develop other talents.
You have them in plenty. We make use of only a small part (perhaps not even ten percent) of our resources. So, even if you do not succeed in one line, there are a hundred other fields in which you can succeed. As a general rule, concentrate on what you can do well—not on your mistakes. Thus, Susan does not shine in academics, but is wonderful in relating to people. Mohan is not a great public speaker, but many people approach him, since he is a great listener.
4. Never put yourself down.
Neither modesty nor good manners demands that. Be reasonably proud of—better, grateful for—your achievements and thank God for your talents and successes. People who have a healthy sense of their talents and worth do not stoop to boasting or bullying; the reason is they don’t feel inferior or hungry for attention. So, too, just because you made a mistake, don’t say, “I am stupid, I am useless.” You are not. Everyone makes mistakes. You can learn from them.
5. Set realistic goals.
One way of putting yourself down is to set unrealistic goals and aim at being perfect in a short while. If you will accept nothing but flawless performance from yourself (or others) you will feel frustrated and worthless.
6. Do not view others as rivals.
Each of us has unique talents and unique opportunities—and unique problems and limitations. Why add to our troubles by comparing ourselves with others and living only to compete and defeat? We cannot all shine in every field. So, do not take the other person’s success as a sign of your failure. Your worth is not measured by the number of people you feel superior to. It is something deeply personal.
7. Develop your own convictions.
If you are forever trying to please others, or to live up to their expectations, you will never feel secure or confident. Even the slightest sign of disapproval will be enough to throw you into consternation. If, instead of trying to impress others, you clarify your values and priorities, and devote yourself to something you really believe in, you will not only do much good. Your self-confidence will sky-rocket.
Doctor Steve, a friendly, helpful and competent person I used to know, is a vibrant proof of this belief. His self-esteem was so low, he told me, “that I could have crawled under a closed door.” He became a happy and outgoing person, engaged in helping others discover their worth. When I met him, he was an effective and caring counsellor.
This counsellor and others like him give encouraging confirmation to the view held by many experts that “you grow most where you are hurt most.”
8. Develop a faith-fuelled vision
God created you and put you on this earth for a mission. God has given you all the gifts you need for that mission. You are not a copy of someone else, and your task is not to look like others, or compete with them, or outshine anyone. You have more than enough gifts and opportunities to reach your goals, overcome your limitations, develop your potential, achieve more than you think.
You are blessed if you have a parent, teacher, counsellor, formator or religious superior who looks at you through this faith-fuelled vision. They will not compare you with others, or put you down for being less gifted than someone else, or focus on your weakness. No! They will remember their own journey of growth from fear to confidence and from insecurity to trust, and support you as you try to come out of your insecurities and face the world. Such persons are a blessing. They look at you through the loving eyes of God, and rejoice at your growth. They want you to grow, shine, get recognized. They are not jealous of your success. No! They long to build you up.
For God, each of us is an original, not a copy. Your worth lies in seeing yourself as God’s precious son or daughter, discovering the precious gifts God has given you, and using them to do the good you can. You know you are loved and cared for. You trust. You do not waste time comparing yourself with others.
Confidence, serenity and enthusiasm follow. Others’ gifts and success are not a threat to you. You are a person of unique worth—just like everyone else.
This living sense of your importance for God is the greatest source of self-confidence and inner strength—and a sure protection against anxiety, arrogance and unhealthy comparisons.
God does not create junk. Nor does God want us to see ourselves or treat ourselves as junk. The same goes for everyone one else, too.
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