In Ashley Anderson and Jacob Mann’s animated short film, Extinguished, attraction is literally represented as a flame right where a person’s heart beats in his or her chest. A young man’s fire goes off when his feelings for a girl he likes are not reciprocated. Later on a pretty new neighbour moves in. Looking at her, he again feels the flame burning inside his chest.
The characters help us identify with the guy, who can’t seem to avoid every imaginable embarrassment every time he interacts with his crush.
Thinking of the way attraction sometimes messes with our ‘rational self’ reminds me that often “the greatest mistake we human make in our relationships is that: we listen half; understand quarter; think zero and react double.”
Are there, then, some ‘concrete’ ways that help us have more control over our life when we feel strongly pulled towards another person, even sexually?
Can celibates or those whose commitment requires some form of abstinence experience attraction in a way that is fulfilling and yet coherent with their respective obligations?
The following ‘5 Dos’ can help us to at least ‘keep calm’ and possibly grow through the fire of attraction.
- Know It’s Normal
The first thing we need to realize is that it is completely natural for human beings to be emotionally or physically attracted to each other. Just because we are in a marriage, or in a commitment that requires celibacy, does not turn off our hormones!
- Be Aware of What’s Happening
Fr Andrew (name changed) had come to visit. I liked him but had never given it a thought. After he left, another Sister told me: ‘Hey, what’s going on with you?’ I said: ‘Nothing. Why?’ ‘When he was here, you were laughing loudly, looking very happy…’ I felt annoyed with her. What was she talking about? Later on, reflecting, I had to admit that yes, I liked Fr Andrew more than others.
At fist realizing that we like someone feels scary! Where will this take me? What will happen to me, my life and my commitments? What will the person or others think about me?
Acknowledging attraction is one of the hardest do’s. However, thinking or pretending that we are above it is more likely to lead us to ‘fall’ than the attraction itself. The good news is that acknowledging and taking responsibility for our feelings is in fact liberating. It helps us become aware that we can actually do something about it.
- Make a List of “What’s at Stake…”
If I were to act on my feelings, what could be the consequences? Am I truly ready for what might result?
Another way is to imagine this happening to someone else. For example, I can ask myself: How would I feel if I found out that someone I love and respect had a serious crush on someone besides their spouse and acted on their feelings? How hurt would I be? How hurt would their spouse be? How would it impact their family?
- Starve the Feeling
This means to keep my mind busy with something else. How? By occupying my mind with something I am passionate about; dedicating myself to whatever is entrusted to me; caring for the people I meet and work with; being physically active.
- Talk It Over
Talking about our feelings with someone trustworthy and wise is another way of acknowledging the problem and getting clarity of mind. And supposing we do not have such a person, writing what goes on within has a similar effect, but we will not get useful feedback.
Conclusion
We cannot expect to remain undisturbed by attraction. It is and will remain an unsettling experience. However, the turmoil it brings need not end in a tragedy. On the contrary!
May we learn to see the beauty of feeling alive through it. May the desire to be close to another person teach us to share ourselves and learn from another.
If this experience, by making us experience our vulnerability, teach us to understand others, how can it not be a blessing? Don’t you think so?
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